randomness

[Anonymous]

The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old  woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I
admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

>My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.

Pease press the buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)

[Styan]

haha thats funny... Though I must agree with every point made, its all very true!

[Anonymous]

Pwnd.

Randomness: "The other day I was in prontera and had an interesting conversation with a fellow, i beleive it went something like this:"
Chat log:
EXCUSE ME SIR
I BELEIVE YOU SHOULD SUCK A LEMON

From an old game i used to play, Ragnarok Online, Prontera is the capital city =P

[Anonymous]

according to my boss:

"you brought this on myself!"

[Anonymous]

Delivered in today's Popbitch:

A parrot got into trouble in an animal sanctuary in Nuneaton by telling policemen, "You can fuck off you two wankers".

Gotta love parrots!

[Styan]

Reasons not to park your car near the ocean on a cold day...

http://www.sullycentral.net/images/ocean/

[Avzeke (Khr0n1k)]

Only you can prevent forest fires, Electus, however, gets to start them.

Electus=Shortbus

The Short Bus wants you!

Join today! http://www.followtheangel.org/modules.php?op=modload&name=prof&file=index



http://img198.imageshack.us/img198/7827/randomness6ez.png

[Anonymous]

spam whore .... pfft, i don't even have to advertise to get people to sign up for my ship ^_^

[Anonymous]

Oh god, I made an application to join, I didn't realise it was the Canadian Short Bus.  Oh well, c'est la vie

[Styan]

The funny thing is that there are no Canucks on the ship... :p  (that I know of)... Sorry Khronik

[Avzeke (Khr0n1k)]

Nooo styan we temporarily named it that just for you! you should fell special!!! Come to the Electus!

[Styan]

Oh... so when i join you change it back and bash the canadian ... is that the way it is K?  :p  hehe j/k   Nah, Arch knows my loyalty and dedication, hey has Glace or Haelios joined a ship yet?  Get on their backs lol

[Avzeke (Khr0n1k)]

Haelios and Glace havent been on in awhile.

[Styan]

Hael is on a camping trip i think... i saw him on the users block today... and i have no idea what glace is doing, computer probs or something...

[Anonymous]

From my friend Graham (once again, I bypass all this bad stuff.  Suckas!):

It is not difficult to make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. to never forget:

    * birthdays
    * anniversaries
    * arrangements or plans she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him
2. Fuck him
3. Shut the fuck up