A call for writers

[Anonymous]

hey Adad... when you finish combining the scripts and what not... send it too me. I already have ideas for the second and third act worked out in my head. I still want to see this though to get a better understanding of where the story is going.

[Adad]

OK, sorry, after that day I was working on it, I haven't been back at school until 5am this morning due to shooting a real movie AAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL weekend.  Anyways, I'll get to it tonight.

[Pirus]

by getting to it tonight i hope you mean jacking in and helping catch the commando

[Adad]

I shall try to be home for that, I just saw it's 2 hours tonight... so I'll see if I can make it for all of it, definitely part.

[Adad]

OK, well that didn't pan out... anyways, as far as my script.  Ven what's your real name for credit purposes, you can PM if you want.  And TBone, do you want your real name on it?

Here's my first act combined/altered from TBone and Venlar's. Suggestions?



1 - INT. METACORTEX DAY
The camera pans across Mega City downtown. Metacortex can be seen in the distance. The camera cuts inside to Daniel Davis working in a cubicle. He is wearing a gray suit; typical work cloths.

Daniel Davis (V.O.)
I always hated working in an office. I felt like a prisoner in some sort of cage. The more I worked, the more trapped I felt. I remember actually feeling envious of Tom.

Black and white. THREE AGENTS look to cubicles for THOMAS ANDERSON with Daniel watching.

I wouldn’t say we were close friends, but there was some unspoken connection between us.

Black and white. Agents leading Thomas out of Metacortex to a car.

Sometimes I wished someone would just take me away from this world as they did to him…

Daniel at desk staring blankly.

I wanted to be free.

2 – EXT ROOFTOP DAY
TBONE and an ANGEL stand on a rooftop watching Daniel in Metacortex.

TBone
Today’s the day. I think he’s ready.

Angel
What’s so special about this guy again?

TBone
He’s got potential. I suppose you can’t work next to Neo for three years without learning a thing or two.

TBone’s phone rings, he answers.

Angel 2 (phone)
He’s leaving the building now.

3 – EXT DOWNTOWN SUNSET
Daniel walks through downtown.

Daniel Davis
I remember that I always had trouble waking up in the mornings. I guess that life didn't feel worth getting up for.

Daniel looks at his reflection in a window of a building, yawning, when a van drives by. After it passes, a man in white appears staring at Daniel from across the street. When he turns to look, the man has vanished. Daniel continues his walk and looks up at a scrolling electric sign. Stock market information scrolls by. In between this the sign scrolls "Adad." It continues to scroll more stock information. The words "Follow the angel" go by.

Daniel Davis
For some time I had suspected I was just going crazy. Maybe I was. Or maybe
it was time I stopped resisting it.


Daniel continues to walk down the street. The camera circles around him revealing he's outside Manssen Park church. He stops to look at the structure.

Daniel Davis (sighs, whispers)
Follow the angel.

Daniel glimpses at a figure moving through the air against the moon. It seems to have landed on the roof of the church. Daniel enters.

4 – INT CHURCH NIGHT
Daniel stands in the back. A man in white stands up and walks into the stairwell. Daniel follows.

Daniel Davis
Who, who are you?

TBone
The question is not who I am, but who you are.

Daniel hesitates for a moment and replies.

Daniel Davis
Well, my name is Daniel…

The man cuts him off.

TBone
No. Who you really are. Life is not the one given to you by others but rather the one you make for yourself, Adad.

TBone begins to walk up the stairs, Daniel follows.

Daniel Davis
How do you know that name?

TBone
It is the life you lead outside the bonds and shackles of your job. Beyond the responsibilities of the “real” world that you try desperately to escape. Lucky for you, that is why I’m here.

Daniel Davis
Excuse me?

TBone
You have been searching for something more, and I am here to tell you it’s out there and I can show you where to find it. It is up to you if you follow me…

TBone leads him to the door to the roof, opens it and points out. A group of Furious Angels are revealed, standing at attention.

follow us.

Daniel looks at the impressive group, then back to TBone.

Daniel Davis
What do I have to do?

Cut to intro. Montage of Adad choosing the red pill, awakening from his pod, in the Real World training program, title.

[Pirus]

nice i like it but i do have a comment or more of a question really ... not about the story that seems fine but the actual taping of the video.  Are you planning on using clips from the movie for the black and white scenes of neo being captured?  If so that may be a little cheesy seeing as how the game is supposed to be reality if not then how do you propose on doing that?  Maybe the path of neo's scenes will help with that.

[Phienyx]

That's not bad.  To add some depth to the story, you may want to indicate why it is that Tbone and FA has taken interest in Mr. Davis and why it is that they are searching HIM out.  Even better yet, given that nature of how the Angels recruit, they generally don't search out candidates, its usually quite the opposite.  Therefore, you may want to adjust that approach to the storyline to indicate that.

As it stands, there is just a series of events with no hint to the real reason or purpose to why its happening.  How did Mr. Davis hear about "The Angels".  Why is he seeking them out.  OR Why is this character so important that its caused the Angels to seek HIM out?

I wouild also suggest removing references to Thomas Andersen unless that will be of any significance further along in the story.  No reason to do any "name dropping" if it is of no relevence to the story.

Make sure you have a goal (climax) for your story, and then don't get distracted by adding events that do not serve to move the story toward that goal (climax).  Be descriptive, but not overly so.  Add details that describe your main characters personalities, habits, gestures, likes, dislikes and background details that make them who they are in the story you're trying to tell.  Make the story unique every chance you get.  If you know the reader is going to expect an up-coming occurance in the story, do something that completely surprises them.

Just another thing to keep in mind.  Don't let the creativity of the story get lost in the philosophy of FA and The Matrix.

All the above serves to keep the readers interested by adding purpose to the story.

You've got a great start there.  Let me know if I can be of any assistance.  I dont' have time to write the story for you, but I can offer some advice and ideas.

[Adad]

Well, I do know all that, but aparantly I'm not any good at it.

[Phienyx]

Hehe....I wouldn't say that you're not good at it.   Its something that comes with practice and is something I have to consciously keep in mind as I'm writing myself.  But if you are aware of all that, then you're already ahead of the game.  Its just a matter of putting into practice.

But as I said, I'll be happy to offer any ideas and advice as you write.

[Anonymous]

kk... real name is Joe White... yes I know... blandest name EVER

[Tbone]

No real name for me please. I have enough jackasses doing research and finding me in MxO and saying "hello *name*...i'm watching you. do you want to come over?"

No seriously...this happened to me about a week ago randomly.

[Adad]

Pirus, if I keep the Neo stuff (I need to figure out how to make it tie to the end) I will be shooting it in the game with someone dressed as he was and all.  No biggy, should work.

[Adad]

OK, I have decided to go another route.  Instead of having Neo in a sort of "name dropping" form as Phienyx wisely put it, he will actually be a character., most like;y simply a Thomas Anderson and only in the first scene.  His removal from Metacortex will be sparking my character's search for the truth.  One thing about this tho is I would need a solid Keanu impersonator for a couple lines so if ANYONE wants to try it out, please do.  I'm serious about this, so please do your best if inerested.

[Adad]

OK, another version, I think I'm getting closer.  More suggestions??


1 - INT. METACORTEX DAY
The camera pans across Mega City downtown. Metacortex can be seen in the distance. The camera cuts inside to DANIEL DAVIS working in a cubicle in a maroon shirt and tie. THOMAS ANDERSON comes in and sits at his desk in the next cubicle.

Daniel Davis
Hey, Tom you saved me when you covered for me yesterday. You’re my hero.

Thomas shrugs.

Thomas Anderson
Seems that’s what I’m here for lately.

Daniel Davis
Late night last night? You look terrible.

Thomas Anderson
Uh, yeah, I went out with a few… friends.

Daniel Davis
You know if you keep coming in late, Rhineheart is going to have you removed from this place.

Thomas Anderson
Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Don’t you ever get sick of working in this prison?
Daniel Davis
I ask myself if there is more to life than this place everyday.

Thomas Anderson
I’ve been told the answer will find you if you want it to. Something more is out there Dan.

Daniel stands up.

Daniel Davis
I hope so. In the mean time I have to file a few reports. I’ll be back in a few.

Thomas Anderson
Can you take this one for me?

Thomas hands a piece of paper to Daniel.

Daniel Davis
No problem.

Daniel leaves the room. When he gets off the elevator, he passes two agents. Shot cuts to him watching out a window as the agents take Thomas. He looks at the paper he took for him and it simply reads “What is the Matrix?” Fade out.

2 – EXT METACORTEX DAY
Fade in on Daniel walking to work in a gray suit. A man in white follows behind him.

Daniel Davis (V.O.)
Do you ever have the feeling someone, somewhere is watching over you? A guardian angel of sorts, protecting you from the evils of the world. I have always believed there was more to this world than what was on the surface and I have been looking for it for years. Lately, it seems, I am closer than ever to identifying my guardian angel. I have seen him in my dreams and he is the answer to the question that drives me. The question that once drove us all.

Daniel turns to look over his shoulder at the entrance of work and the man in white is gone. He enters.

3 – EXT ROOFTOP DAY
TBONE and an ANGEL stand on a rooftop watching Daniel in Metacortex.

TBone
Today’s the day. I think he’s ready.

Angel
What’s so special about this guy again?

TBone
I’ve had my eye on him since Operation Furious Angels began. You can’t work next to Neo without learning a thing or two about the truth and he has been looking for us for three years now. We will soon discover if he is worthy of a place with us.

The other Angel nods as TBone’s phone rings. He answers.

Angel 2 (phone)
He’s leaving the building now.

4 – EXT DOWNTOWN SUNSET
Daniel walks through downtown. He looks at his reflection in a window of a building, yawning, when a van drives by. After it passes, a man in white appears staring at Daniel from across the street. When he turns to look, the man has vanished again. Daniel crosses the street to try and find him when a car comes from nowhere. He sees it in slow motion with traces of code and manages to dodge it.

Daniel Davis (V.O.)
I don’t know how I did this, but I suppose sometimes you just have to take care of yourself.

TBone sees this and nods. Daniel continues his walk and looks up at a scrolling electric sign. Stock market information scrolls by. In between this the sign scrolls "Adad." It continues to scroll more stock information. The words "Follow the angel" go by. Shot cuts to a cross and it tilts down to reveal Manssen Park church. Daniel walks up to it and stops to look at the structure.

Daniel Davis (sighs, whispers)
Follow the angel.

Daniel glimpses at a figure moving through the air against the moon. It seems to have landed on the roof of the church. Daniel enters.

5 – INT CHURCH NIGHT
Daniel stands in the back. A man in white stands up and walks into the stairwell. Daniel follows.

Daniel Davis
You’re the one who has been following me, aren’t you?

TBone
The question is not who I am, but who you are.

Daniel hesitates for a moment and replies.

Daniel Davis
Well, my name is Daniel…

The man cuts him off.

TBone
No. Who you really are. Life is not the one given to you by others but rather the one you make for yourself, Adad.

TBone begins to walk up the stairs, Daniel follows.

Daniel Davis
How do you know that name?

TBone
It is the life you lead outside the bonds and shackles of your job. Beyond the responsibilities of the “real” world that you try desperately to escape. Lucky for you, that is why I’m here.

Daniel Davis
Excuse me?

TBone
You have been searching for something more, and I am here to tell you that I can show you where to find it. It is up to you if you follow me…

Daniel Davis
What do I have to do?

Cut to intro. Montage of Adad choosing the red pill, awakening from his pod, in the Real World training program, title.

[Pirus]

Yeah I like this one even more than the last one.  Its definately a possibility since the movie has a gap between when neo is talking to his boss and when morpheus calls.  There could easily be something in between there somewhere.