"I'm going to the grave as FA"
Well, that was the plan at least...
It was suggested to me that it may be beneficial to explain my recent departure from FA. Or at least address members in some way - so while this will lack many of the answers I'm sure you guys have questions to, at least it will let you into my head a little. My vagueness will suck, sorry for that. I'm not sure how comfortable I feel dishing thoughts at this point, so my apologies if I end up saying something that doesn't come off right, it's one of the reasons I wanted to wait a while. My original intent was to leave and break from even swtor to clear my head.
I was asked to do this by a friend, and I'm still not sure if it's the right time to jot down my thoughts, or the right thing to do - but hey, I rarely hold back, right? He had suggested that my leaving will have a bigger impact on the group than I may realize. If you ask any of the people who have contacted me in the last two days, you'll hear that I haven't been very detailed. I have issues, but I was not planning to go out bitching. I respect FA greatly, despite how I've been told I come off. My issues are not all necessarily with FA requiring a change, it just means I may not mesh with where we are in swtor.
This was a personal decision. I have tried very hard to explain that to everyone who has contacted me. I have tried very hard to let them understand that I did not think all of my issues were along the lines of "this is WRONG with FA" just that I was unhappy with the way some things were going. Disagreeing is fine - it's expected, and is ok for the group. I was quite bothered when I've been told "If you don't like something, bring it up or change it". This happened as recently as two days ago, a day after I /gquit. I'm pretty surprised anyone thinks I don't bring things up and talk to people about what I think may help situations. If it's not recognized that I have tried to make changes or bring things up, there's an issue in the way I communicate to the group, and that I have to own. Again, perhaps not "wrong" on anyones case, but stressful and upsetting. In some cases, I have been disappointed with the results of discussions or efforts. Again, that's fine for the group, and I'm ok with an effort not going as expected - But that doesn't mean I have to be ok with being bound by that result. (I am not necessarily talking "results" as in decisions by our leaders, by the way. For the most part, any issues I may have with leadership decisions is not specifically in scope of this post.)
So why leave? Why not make changes form the inside? Here's the key part of my decision - it takes a level of effort that I am not sure I'm willing to put forth anymore, especially with some personal things going on IRL. I also haven't been received well when I have brought stuff up in the past (again, I'll own that in some cases this was my own fault) - and that can affect my interest in pushing for other changes in the future. I hate saying that I'm not willing to put forth more effort into something for FA, because I love you guys and love the group.
In regards to how I left... I wish I could take that back. The incident I had with a member was not the reason I left. It was the small straw that broke the camels back. He, as a person, was not the reason I left. I'm an not that sensitive. I wish it would have gone differently, but at that time, I simply thought "wow, I don't need to deal with this shit" and finally made my decision. The "shit" was a disagreement on how to handle a warzone - which I was ok with, but I was not ok with the way he handled it. Instead of arguing, I decided I didn't need to deal with it. (yes, I know ignoring it would have achieved a similar effect) Again, that was a small reason for my /gquit and while I understand that the impression may be that the disagreement alone did it, it's not. I sent a message to T saying I needed a break away from FA for a while/indefinitely. I've been accused of not being loyal and disrespecting the guild in the way I left. As I mentioned, I regret the way it happened, but divorce is rarely done gracefully. At that specific time, I was more concerned with my own needs/wants than FAs. You may look down on me for that, but it's the best explanation I have for now... For any disrespect you may have sensed, I'm sorry. To that member, I'm sorry I made you a focus of this.
Where from here for me? For now, playing swtor when I can with WZers. I'm not guild shopping. I've been approached by three and I explained to them all, as I've explained to you guys, that I'm soloing it for a while and am not currently interested. Weeks from now maybe that will change. Maybe I'll follow the signal again, I have no clue. I've grouped up for WZs in voice chat with people from CE, OOS, Guardians, Watchmen, and have even grouped with you guys since. (That's why you've seen my in the guest channel - which apparently is frowned on now) and not being limited to one voice chat alone has allowed me to be better at the game, especially in pug situations.
I was told last night that I need to either "go or stay...If you want to play with FA, be in FA" - Well I already went. but unless you feel slighted by my personal decision, I don't think that should have to do with the ability to play well together. To the person who said that, I think you're in a small minority that would even have the balls to say that to someone, and is a great example of a personality trait which pushed my decision to where we are today - F-you if you think you can tell me who I can play with - especially now. Which reminds me, I'll still be around for Friday night fun nights when I can - Hell, last week 2 people from other guilds were there and in TS with drunken FA members, right? - so I'm cool, right?
Where from here for FA? The reason I try to retain details is because I don't want my concerns to become any else's. I've been an angel for over 7 years. It's the only gaming group I've been a part of, and it really is a great one. Just possibly not one that I fit anymore. Because of my length of stay, I agree this may affect the group more so than someone brand new. It's a respect that I appreciate, and I hate to feel like I let you guys down. For that, I apologize. FA is not "Fuse", obviously. If you're happy with how FA is, the issues I've had should have little weight on your impression. If you have issues, and have the opportunity and ability to change things, DO IT!
I've also been told that my resistance to talking about my concerns now leads to that "bigger fear of the unknown" situation... We're all playing this game to have fun. Does FA contribute to your fun? If so then my thoughts can stay unknown to you, because they don't matter. Does FA hinder your fun? Then act. I feel like acting towards change wasn't an option for me anymore, or at least not one I was willing to go through the headaches to enact. (again, not necessarily proud of that statement, but I'm ok looking bad
when it's warranted, and I'll always attempt to be honest with you)
One of the reasons I decided to write this is because I've had other members tell me straight up that they're about to leave. I told them my decision should not affect theirs - though I realize that might not be reasonable. I urged them to reconsider, and hope they put as much thought into their decision as I have. Hearing that others are looking at leaving at this point REALLY bothers me because I feel responsible, but I've been told it's because they sense on their own that something doesn't "fit" with them either. My leaving is not a red flag, but instead is a result of red flags that were here before I left. That's made apparent by others who have left us, or are considering it. If you do not see those red flags, then FA is for you, and we disagree with how things should be - and that's ok. Not every group is for every single player. I'll break my rule of not many details here, but the first response from an old time member was to tell me to essentially stay away from FA because they "don't want [me] encouraging others to leave". (Yes quoted from the screenshot). When this is your opening thought about ME OF ALL PEOPLE, then
THIS is a red flag, and added to my feeling that I made the right choice.
This is not me 'feeding the cancer' as I've been accused of in the past - it's what I've heard and my opinion. Acknowledging a cancer is not spreading it, especially when it is done with concern. I shouldn't be made to feel guilty or have to walk on eggshells because I bring up the fact that others have considered leaving - which is what happened last time I mentioned something similar - instead there should be some effort to find out where the issues are - that's my opinion at least.
I feel like I can already hear the replies of "bullshit!" now. I don't claim to be right, or understand all the feelings that led me to this decision %100, but I know I've been disappointed with things for a while and it was an option. Good or bad, if I regret it later in the future or not, I made my decision and T made it very apparent to me last night it was the right one.
I'm not dead. I'm not quitting swtor. If you want to group, I welcome it. If you want to chat, I would hope that since even non-swtor playing people can join TS, and we've had other friends of members in there, I won't be denied the access to the guest channel. (So far FA is one of very few guilds I'm aware of that doesn't have other guilds actively participate in their voice chat - Maybe that's a suggestion for better interaction with others in the future, BTW. Freebie)
I hope I haven't tarnished my personal friendships with you because of this. Please know that was not my intent, and my issues were never with the individual members of FA.
For those I've been with a long time - I hope you understand how close to my heart FA is. Don't think for a second I ever tried to take it for granted.
---------
T said he would move this from the public forum to the private one, but I do not have access anymore, so I won't be able to see replies, respond, or go "I wrote that, but it didn't come out the way I meant it to!" and edit it.. I would still expect to see you guys in game, though, or you can reach me with the info below.
Brian@lostlocalhost.com
http://www.facebook.com/lostlocalhost http://www.twitch.tv/lostlocalhost Fuse
Bezpiecznik
Fuze (imp)
Fusee (imp)
Show Posts
Christmas
Guests: 61
Hidden: 0
Users: 0
